Wednesday 29 June 2016

Cardiac surgeon

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of an LS 460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop.

The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I earn £35,000 a year and you earn £1.2 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running”.

Wednesday 8 June 2016

Point

One way to get your point across.

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” the man replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefingers across the bartender’s lips and shyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to ask.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies’ room.”

Wednesday 1 June 2016

Talking dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so ... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running ... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a bull-shitter. He’s never been out of the yard.”