Clocks

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh...”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That's Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Tony Blair’s clock?” asked the man.

St Peter replied, “We are using it as a ceiling fan.”

Porridge

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Hospital

A 54-year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years…? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied:

“I didn’t bloody recognise you.”

Australian approach

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The young man answered, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.”

The manager liked the Aussie, so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, “OK, so how many sales did you make today?”

The Aussie said, “One!”

The manager groaned and continued, “Just one? Our sales average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

The Aussie replied, “£124,237.64p.”

The manager choked and exclaimed, “£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?”

“Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat Department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. He then didn’t think that his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4”.

The manager, incredulous, said, “You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?”

“No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady Friend and I said... Well, since your weekend’s buggered mate, you might as well go Fishing.”

Positive Attitude

On Thursday night he gradually came to... stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital’s ICU with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident.

She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. 

When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat, she says… “Well, that’s great... some arsehole's got my pen!”

French Wedding

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman openly admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter was married in the morning to a French man and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the French policeman proceeds to test his breath for alcohol and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour, “No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side!!”

Password

Please enter your new password.

"cabbage"


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"boiled cabbage"


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"1 boiled cabbage"


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"50bloodyboiledcabbages"


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"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"


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"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”


Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”


Sorry, that password is already in use!

Monkey

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone’s amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender looks at the bloke and says, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, What?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table… whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the man, “he eats everything in sight. Don’t worry; I’ll pay for the cue ball”.

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the man is back and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender asks, “Did you see what your monkey did just now?”

“No, what?” replied the man.

“Well he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out and ate them both”, said the bartender.

“Yeah that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the man. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now”.

Independence

It was the Scotland vs Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh, and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in a red jersey, jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from 'The Scotsman', who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, "That was brilliant, I can see the headline now".

Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death

The man replied, "No, you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!"

"Don't worry", said the journalist, "I can see the headline now".

Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler

The man replied, "No, you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh... I'm from London".

The journalist said, "Don't worry; I can see the headline now".

English Bastard Strangles Family Pet
 

Confession

A man received the following text from his neighbour,

“I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again”.
 
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text from his neighbour arrived…

“Damned autocorrect! I meant Wi-Fi not wife”.

Free Meal

A Catholic Priest informs his friend, the Rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

He explains to the Rabbi how he does it.

I go in to the restaurant just after 9.00pm, eat several courses slowly, and then linger over some coffee, port and a cigar. By 2.00am they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay the bill. Then I tell him, “I’ve already paid your colleague who has already left and gone home.” Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave having had a free meal.

The Rabbi is clearly impressed and replies, “Let’s try it together this evening”.

The Priest books them into a restaurant and come 2.00am they are both still quietly sitting there after having had a very full meal.

Sure enough a waiter comes over and asks them to pay the bill.

The Priest tells the waiter, “I’ve already paid your colleague who has already left and gone home.”

The Rabbi then adds… “And we’re still waiting for the change!”